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Hating Texas Since 1994

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About This File

(Note: This is meant as humor along with your jerseys, inspired because 20 family members from the DFW metro area are in town this week and the inconsiderate way in which the Rangers beat up on the Tigers. I don't actually have anything against the State of Texas, its baseball team, or the great people of that awful state.)

(Note 2: Unless Delmon Young is from there, because as far as I'm concerned he can go to hell, or Texas.)

(Note 3: I attached three png's in the file for modders with Photoshop, since GiMP's DDS plugin loses some quality with its compression. If one of you would be kind enough to compress and send me the DDS's for those I can update the file version)

(Note 4: None of this applies to Austin. Stay weird friends!)

(Note 5: I think if you actually check stats Texas is only in the bottom third of hated states. This is not scientific. It's humor.)

(Note 6: If I keep saying this isn't serious people may believe me)


94 reasons why everybody hates Texas:

  1. "Don't Mess With Texas" bumper stickers
  2. All of the Rangers' uniforms say "Texas" even at home.
  3. ...and they put THEIR STATE FLAG on the jerseys, even though they're not even the only baseball team in the state.
  4. Astroturf. Thanks for that guys; the knees of two generations of ruined athletes are truly grateful.
  5. You can't get anywhere in their cities because their highways become a sea of black Excursions, Suburbans, and RAV4's with one occupant each.
  6. Four words: Dallas-Fort Worth International.
  7. They shot Kennedy
  8. ...so they could make Lyndon B. Johnson president and make us all go to Vietnam.
  9. George W. Bush
  10. That the Rangers were once owned by (a group of scumdouches who chose as their face guy) George W. Bush
  11. ...and then you made him governor just to get rid of him as owner
  12. ...and then you made him president just to get rid of him as governor.
  13. ...and that because he was so epically bad at it the GOOD Bush son can't even run now.
  14. The Longhorn Network
  15. I'm pretty sure you were responsible for "Who let the dogs out?" becoming a thing.
  16. Their dysfunctional sibling rivalry in college football that was mostly responsible for turning the SEC and ACC into 14-team behemoths, ruining 12 other great rivalries, and destroying the Big XII.
  17. How you made Randy Smith your *****.
  18. Nolan Ryan
  19. They only joined the United States because the slave states needed to up their numbers.
  20. They celebrate the fact that they've had five other sovereigns other than the United States (i.e. "Six Flags"). These are: France, Spain, Mexico, the Republic of Texas, and the Confederacy. Seriously they are PROUD of this.
  21. The think the Alamo is the most important event in history, because Sam Houston and Davy Crockett personally held off an army of skeleton Mexicans.
  22. Craig James (no truth to the rumors that he killed five hookers while at SMU)
  23. That Craig James actually thought he could run for your Senate Seat!
  24. ...and that some of you actually voted for him!
  25. ...and that you used that whole farce with his son to get out of paying Mike Leach
  26. They use more power, more gas, and more electricity in that state than all but eight countries. Their environmental footprint is worse than that of France.
  27. SMU
  28. King of the Hill -- Go back to making Beavis & Butthead plz k thx.
  29. That their political ads always feature a dude in a huge cowboy hat and cowboy boots standing in front of a fence and talking about "Texas values," despite the fact that barely any Texans are actually ranchers. The only politicians who own ranches are rich dudes who bought them as second homes and so they could tell other Texas they own a ranch.
  30. Beehive hairdos
  31. Enron. You even had a field named for them!
  32. Dallas is the cubicle farm of cities. The whole city is a bunch of boring, architecturally infantile gray boxes and concrete and decorated with soulless, meaningless art because some psychologist said art will increase productivity.
  33. They get much of their information from Yahoo! Answers.
  34. They believe every home should have a gun in it, but God forbid somebody ever actually use a gun to go hunting!
  35. They kept voting Tom DeLay into office.
  36. More cults, and more people who belong to a cult than any other state.
  37. David Koresh
  38. Hook 'em Horns, and Claws and Antlers. Congratulations: you just discovered you have hands.
  39. That they one day decided to call the Cowboys "America's Team" when nobody in America except Texas liked them. Seriously: we all wanted Buffalo to finally win one you bastards.
  40. That every school district has to use the same textbook, therefore textbook makers write them in order to please the psychopath politicians you elect to choose the book.
  41. The most gerrymandered map of any democratic political body in the entire world
  42. They're everything that people hate about the South (bad education, racism, biases, bible-thumping) without any of the good parts about the south (deep respect for history, traditions, politeness, good looking women, great football)
  43. They're everything that people hate about Yankees (pretentious, oblivious to other ways of life, outlet malls) without the good parts about the North (architecture, education, um...really good cheese?)
  44. Belt Buckles!!!!!!
  45. That you think theme parks are "Cultural Attractions"
  46. "Everything is bigger in Texas"
  47. ...seriously, your whole state has either Napoleon or smalltrophy syndrome.
  48. That the Spurs complain bitterly when bad officiating screwed them out of an important game, then went on to win multiple championships with some of the most famously biased officiating ever.
  49. That you're such dicks to California. Not that we all like California that much but we don't understand why you're so hard on them.
  50. Like when you stole all of their electricity and gave them brownouts because they passed a stupid law that made it possible for you to do that. Did nobody say "hey, let's warn California that their law is going to get them screwed?" instead of bankrupting another state so your richest a-holes could get even filthy richier?
  51. Mark Cuban. Shut up, Mark.
  52. The Mavs.
  53. Dirk Nowitzki's singing voice: "WLeeeee Ahhhhr thu Chaaaampyuns"
  54. Lamar Odom, Shawn Marion, Vince Carter, Jason Kidd...what are you TRYING to corner the market on universally despised players?
  55. That we had to root for you last year anyway because there was NO WAY we were rooting for Miami.
  56. That you're probably personally responsible for 50% of U.S. obesity.
  57. That when people of other countries do an "American" accent they sound just like you.
  58. ...and that most of what they say they hate about Americans mostly applies to Texans.
  59. How much you paid just to TALK to Yu Darvish.
  60. SXSW: the fastest awesome-to-overblown and commercialized transition for any event in history
  61. Juan Gonzalez. /shakes with angar
  62. You build everything too big and too cheap without any consideration of any factors other than is it big and is it cheap
  63. You are willing to screw over all of college football in order to maintain the charade that Baylor and Texas Tech are BCS teams, and you think UTEP and SMU and TCU should be as well, as if Indiana didn't have a bigger athletic program than all of those schools put together.
  64. You blame regulations for your refineries and power plants all being way way out of date, then spend what it would cost you to fix that every election cycle so politicians who will bail you out of your environmental jams can run commercials of themselves in huge cowboy hats and cowboy boots standing in front of a fence talking about values.
  65. That Texas actually held out longer than any SEC school in integrating your athletic teams, and were so proud of Chairman of the Board of Regents Frank C. Erwin for his staunch opposition to blacks in burnt orange that you named the basketball arena for him!
  66. Rick Perry.
  67. Rick Perry commercials. If you ever subject us to those again...
  68. Whatever Elvis Andrus is putting in his hair. That is so gross.
  69. That you use the Death Penalty on kids and mentally disabled.
  70. That you literally started a riot because they cut off your beer on 10-cent beer night.
  71. The worst health care in the country, and more large companies who don't provide health care than any other state.
  72. Mullets. Either chop that thing or put it in a hockey helmet please.
  73. Terrelle Owens when he was with the Cowboys.
  74. How many crappy bowl games can you come up with to scam schools out of millions?
  75. Whose idea was it to let Jose Canseco pitch?
  76. That Mack Brown voted Cal out of the Top 10 so Texas could take their spot in the '95 Rose Bowl
  77. There are 3 million people in the world who are tougher than Chuck Norris. Get over it.
  78. Country Music. And not good country music like they have in the border states which is dripping with soul and the anguish of poverty and the sublime joys of a "simple" life that's anything but simple, but the rhinestone crap sung by a dude in sequins and with his shirt tucked into too-tight jeans who spends way too long on the 2nd syllable of "A-MER-ica"
  79. That you wear cowboy boots in 9,000 places that they're inappropriate (weddings, airplanes, swimming...)
  80. That you were the only state whose police gave Chris Hanson carte blanche to film To Catch a Predator and because of your incompetence every single perv on that episode walked. Yes, my state takes responsibility for Chris Hanson, but he is from Lansing, which is as different from the rest of our state as Austin is from yours.
  81. How long did you keep employing John Rhadigan? This didn't embarrass you at all?
  82. Your approach to business is to Look Out for Number 1 -- we actually take seminars about how to do business with some of your companies because their approach is to try to screw their partners, not make money for their partners.
  83. Didn't you outlaw sodomy or something? Like were there debates about this?
  84. Matthew McConaughy
  85. That they're the only state who actually care that people hate them. Think about it: Californians will just be like "yeah we hate it too." New Yorkers will be like "whatever; we are superior." Alabamans will just talk about how Nick Saban will kick one of your body parts. Illinois will say "that's just our politicians we hate them too." Floridians will just blame a segment of their population. New Jersey will call it a "Jersey thing." Midwestern states will just figure you're from their rival state and mention the last time their football team beat yours (except Nebraska: I've yet to meet anyone who hates Nebraskans. They're just a super-nice state. It's so weird. Unrelated: nobody hates people from Colorado either. A list of things people hate about Colorado starts and ends with Claude Lemieux, who isn't even from Colorado).
  86. That they keep screwing around with Michael Young instead of trading him to a team that would love him. You have one likeable guy on your team, so every year you sign or bring up a new superstar for his position. God forbid you ever move Murphy.
  87. Your attitude towards your border with another country, who by the way happens to be an important friend and ally and business partner with our country. You don't see us patrolling the St. Clair river shooting Canadians do you?
  88. That you stole the Stars from Minnesota, and thus forced us to expand the NHL AGAIN just to give the most obvious hockey city in the USA a hockey team.
  89. Guess which MLB team was Ground Zero for the steroid '90s?
  90. That you signed A-Rod for more per year than some teams' entire annual salaries, and then spent years paying the Yankees a big portion of that contract. You were PAYING the YANKEES! Because they need more money.
  91. That you complained so hard about Elvis Andrus not winning Rookie of the Year (you were right about that) but then threw out every one of your arguments for Andrus plus all pretended like you've never heard of SABRmetrics when trying to justify Feliz the following year.
  92. Stop throwing chairs at fans, breaking TV cameras, etc.
  93. Ron Paul, Ron Paultards, and that they've made it so being a libertarian is now synonymous with the idiots who think smart grid meters and airport metal detectors will give you cancer.
  94. That no matter how many disclaimers I put above, people from Texas are still going to get offended and try to defend themselves and their stupid state. Watch.

The one thing that totally makes up for all of that:

  1. Your barbecue!

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